The Mother of All Dichotomies

It all started 5 and a half years ago; the moment my first son was wrenched into this world. 

I lay there battered, torn, exhausted, broken and shell shocked. 

I lay there ecstatic, proud, glowing, humbled and bursting with happiness. 

And so began the unrelenting, meander between utter joy and absolute despair. The clash of the opposing titans. War and Peace. No single day has passed since without the giddy highs and flailing lows that come with watching, guiding and dragging our offspring along in this mad world. It is exhilarating and it is bone-achingly frustrating, it is euphoric and it is despairing, it is lucid and it is ultimately baffling. Paradoxical, whimsical, magical, psychological, farcical… but I love it all! I have moments when I regularly want to scream but they are so tantalisingly juxtaposed with the replete satisfaction and joy of unerring love that our offspring give us, that I thankfully swallow many (some) of my tirades. I can find myself humming Katie Melua’s ‘Closest Thing to Crazy’ whilst rocking on my heels and leaning into the drinks cabinet but some little human will scoot past, high five my bum with an orange stegosaurus and yell ‘mummy is in OUR gang, come to the teepee for secret business’ and suddenly I am full of clarity and warmth and all is well with the world. 

Parenting truly is THE mother of all dichotomies.

For the shit, theres the giggles, for the mess, theres the creativity, for the embarrassment, theres the pride, for the mischief, theres the kindness…… I feel the moments will change but the underlying foundations of colliding opposing emotions will forever ebb and flow until the day I die. Sure I feel like I am being tested, I feel like I am down right crazy but my word am I privileged to be right where I am, forever somewhere betwixt delirium and delight.

Jolly Good Sport

Well, I guess I just didn’t imagine it would happen so quickly but the eldest of the 3 Musketeers has become completely obsessed with all things SPORT and he’s pulling his comrades with him. I love it really; sport can teach us so many things about this mad world and about ourselves. It is a good vehicle to release all manner of issues bubbling away below the surface. But this, this is another level.  

  

So last Monday after school, homework and some great behaviour I relented at the incessant request to watch 'sport' on the TV. A brief search through the channels found us subjected to St. Johnstones v Aberdeen with French commentary and he sat ensconced for 90 minutes.  

A couple of days later fondling oranges in the supermarket the baby boy pipes up loudly with ‘ohhhhh Jimmy Jimmy, ohhhh Jimmy Jimmy, walking along singing a song walking in a Jimmy wonderland’ a complex ditty (aren’t they all?) about the much revered cricket bowler Jimmy Anderson. The scamp is 2 years old! It did make the gentleman behind us snort into his basket of corned beef.  

And this morning.... the biggest boy of the house (my husband) sat up as his alarm went off ‘Best shower quickly, I can't be late’ I looked at my watch, it has 45 minutes later than his usual alarm and remembered he wasn’t leaving until later. As he rushed out the bedroom door he yelled ‘I am off for a meeting in 2 hours but the Ryder Cup starts in 5 minutes’..... it is not even 7am. So now downstairs are 4 people swarming around the TV watching men in Pringle sweaters walk around pristinely manicured courses and that is my weekend mapped out between actual sporting fixtures in our megre real life. 

It is madness, it seems madness but I actually think it’s marvellous. I love what sport can give us. A platform on which to better our physical and mental health..... to learn about rules, sharing, interacting, winning, losing, self-control, camaraderie, hard work, limitations, teamwork, trust and self-respect. Of course, as with so many things in life, it needs channeling in order that it doesn't become too much of an obsession or foster aggression or division.... but the benefits of sport far outweigh the drawbacks.  

I am grabbing my trainers, wetsuit, hockey stick and an armful of almanacs so I don't get left behind. Wish me luck... x

The 2 Year Conflict

Negotiating the impossible.

At 2; your toddler will be confronting a multitude of emotional and physical hurdles that take an inordinate amount of energy and patience to conquer. You become a doormat of torment as the giddy babe wanders from delight to dismay on the turn of a tricycle. There seems to be little reason to random episodes of fear and rage but try hard 😫 to remember that it’s a normal part of their development which (despite your every intuition) invariably requires you to stand by, give them a reassuring hug, pacify and move on quickly....even when they are being unreasonable embarrassing little shits.

On the complete flip-side and another parenting contradiction: this is when you ALSO have to watch like a hawk, gauging the undistinguishable line between a genuine plea and blatant manipulation. You will be tripped up a lot. Two-nagers are chief emotional blackmailers and they will test your patience and sanity - just because they can. The more you watch them, the more you will be in tune with the small nuances that kick-start a tantrum and that differentiate distress and defiance. Well, maybe. Good luck with that!

But here’s the thing .. (in my humble opinion).. you aren’t going to create a complete brat by pandering to their irrational tirades at this age, so err on the side of support and just ‘hug it out’ when they are screaming their way through the supermarket. You have the next few years to work on manners and negotiation; when they are actually emotionally mature enough. If you’re ever worried about eye-rolling strangers - ignore them. Everyone HAS been there, we just forget. We honestly forget.... lest we would all be miserable, scarred and crazed shells-of-human-beings. 

It’s not too long until they can start potty-training so that is one less type of shit you have to deal with. 🤟

Words

I have just spent the last week trawling through, deleting and filing 7,800 personal emails from the last 9 years. Given my borderline OCD, I have no idea why it hadn't occurred to me until now but that isn't relevant to this particular diatribe. 

I have felt nostalgic, cringed a LOT and most poignantly - realised that we remember things just how we want or have the capacity to. Reading several of my emails from friends and colleagues (when I have wanted to evade the work IT system), I have re-lived relationships and eras of past that were incredibly significant to who I have become today. Words are so powerful because they are indelible. Through their presence, they capture a moment you can't pretend didn't happen and remind you of finite details of brilliant things that did. Our brains (I am no scientist, despite my lineage) have a saturation point and I assume we have an innate subconscious filing system that enables us to retain what we want/can, in order to make space for everything we juggle daily and all the new memories we are creating. 

I wouldn't consider myself a hoarder, but when it comes to words; I glut and I am quite happy with that. This email marathon has been a very fulfilling and enlightening exercise which I would recommend to you all .. although I am sure you've plenty on your 'to-do' list. Reading all those words from the last 8 years has reminded me of the sh*t, the magic and most importantly the friends that I have who I never manage to make time for any more. Social media and photos now have the market on your easily-viewed-personal-journey but for me; words are the ultimate conveyors of history.

12-18 months - The Balance

It remains a marvel. That little human toddling, babbling, chewing, grabbing, giggling and just - mesmerising. It also remains a seriously time consuming responsibility. With all the wonder and utter delight that the wee one brings, it requires patience and unrelenting hard-graft, in equal measure. So whilst you're trying to aide the balance of that tumbling tot, it is now that you really need to lay the new foundations of balance in all aspects your life...... before you lose the plot! 

By now, your toddler is likely walking and developing emotional attachments. As the weeks go by they will test their environment and people around them; paying particular attention to those they hold dearest. Oh joy. You'll have that familiar sense of loving pride juxtaposed by exasperating vexation as you run through the repetitive motions of negotiating with the most erratic, kamikaze, unstable, charming and vulnerable boss you've ever had the pleasure of serving. That crazy yin needs a calming yang.

So whatever your release, your zen or your raison d'être - make time for it and it will keep you sane. 5 minutes meditating or 5 hours office debating; it will inject a welcome balance and a rejuvenation that is so very good for you all.

But blow me down - that kid keeps getting cooler and the months are rolling by - ENJOY!! 

From Russia With Love.. how to cope.. with kids.. in the cold

I had heard there was an aggressive front coming in from Russia but thought that was political jargon. Then I stepped outside. This shit got meteorological.

As charming as gardens clad in the purest of driven snow, children frolicking amongst their carrot-nosed creations and engaging in discussions about nimbostratus are : the reality is often much less enamouring. Here are my top 5 tips on how to keep sane and front up to the FREEZE with little humans clinging to your knees.

1. Stay inside. Don’t go out if you don’t have to. The faff of putting 15 layers on writhing toddlers only to de-robe for the inevitable ill-timed bowel movement is painful. Get your craft-on, make dens or put them in front of CBeebies and whip up some popcorn. Make being inside the new outside. You have all spring and summer to make the most of the unlimited resource of the great outdoors. If you venture out - make it brief and fun and have dry warm clothes laid out for your return.

2. Hot chocolate. Hope you didn’t give it up for lent. It makes everyone happy. Have a stash at home. Make a flask if you head out. Also if you're planing an adventure, try to include a cafe as part of the excursion. It will warm you all up and you can use the promise of hot chocolate or a croissant as bribery to extend their shivery sojourn. You can always ask the barista to slip some rum into the one for mum.

3. Thermals. Put the kids in thermals at bedtime. If they didn’t/don’t sweat too much of an eve - you have a base layer for the next day already furnished upon your model. The least dressing in one sitting the better.

4. Mittens. Gloves are not your friend. The drama of allocating digits to their relevant slot just brews unnecessary angst for all involved. Cold hands though - are the biggest cause of apoplectic meltdowns at this time of year. 

5. Soft hell Play. Go to soft play with trepidation or give yourself a serious pep-talk about the inevitable mass migration. It’s cold, the kids need entertaining - it will be busy and unequivocally - traumatic.

Spring is around the corner in all its warm fuzzy glory and... frankly, a proper icy blast is better than those dank dreary drizzly days, right?... Hang in there people.

9 - 12 months: don't blink

Blink and you will miss it. You will. The trajectory of development during these months is skyward and you'll doubtless be bursting with pride..... not to mention exhaustion and frustration and all manner of colliding emotions as the little human bursts onto the 'main stage'. There will be glimpses of their character in everything they do, explore and discover. You can almost see the nerve pathways shooting through their little grey matter. 

This 3 month period is likely to bring (to name but a few) .. walking, 'talking', giggling, dancing, tantrums, anxiety, curiosity and the signs of a proper personality. Be prepared to be exhausted once again. If it hasn't already been blown away - Leave the OCD at the door! Food will be thrown, drawers will be opened - nothing is safe.  

All I can prescribe for this amazing time is (as ever) an abundance of patience and lashings of energy.

GOOD LUCK!... and savour xxxx