Saturday, 10 October 2015

Greatest Day

I am parked outside my home 45 minutes before yet another 'promising' viewing is undertaken on our over priced flat. He's off at the rugby again. With the house keys. So I need to get our spare set once the flat has been viewed. There is a group of lederhosen-clad gents swigging beer and jagermeister against a tree 2 feet away, I can smell the Austrian apres ski bar through the 3cm 'breathe-safe' opening in our car window. The local stray cat just marked his territory on our rear wheel. My phone is on silent, I can't move in case the beasts wake, I am trapped - and it is BLISS. Silence, peace, forced inertia. Listening to the faint hum drum of drunken boys (and admiring how lederhosen seem to tailor the rear with exceptional accuracy), Smashing Pumpkins on the radio, catching up on emails interjected with the odd Daily Mail article (it is important to keep abreast of Kendall Jenners breasts). Its warm, its quiet and I have nothing to divert my attention from doing nothing. In a past life I could think of nothing worse than a wasted hour sitting, trapped in the car but this is better than gin or wine or even gin followed by wine.

Oh, and there's the agent. I slink very low in my seat (the simple thing would be to wave or say hello but I am floating in a bubble of euphoria and I don't want it burst), I feel like I am spying..... But I actually don't care one jot. . . 

Until the youngest wakes.

Ordinarily I would start the car and get the movement to rock him back into a slumber but I panic, I don't want to be seen and think that leaning back and stroking his nose will help. He screams at not being able to have a cuddle, the window is open the agent looks over, the noise is so loud the oldest wakes up and joins the chorus, I am flushed, it's boiling. I try singing 'wheels on the bus' (again) it doesn't work, I fish out the half banana rejected earlier, its flung against the windscreen, I try to intercept but accidentally nudge the radio into full pelt 'GREATEST DAY' by Take That, just as the agent DOES clock me, heads to say hi and then sees an eager couple cross in front of the car of chaos.. With a slushy banana-slug trail down the middle of the windscreen.

Moment of tranquil bliss flipped into trapped chaotic melee in one swift moment. I drive off as soon as my front door has been slammed shut and pass 2 dead rats on the pavement where my potential purchasers have just walked. It's a sign. 

Gary, Mark, Howie, Jason - not today I am afraid. Best head off to the sand pit in the rain.

Thursday, 8 October 2015

Ax (wo)men

This season dahhhhling, I will mostly be channelling SHIRT DRESSES..... Lumberjack, plaid..... I will try them all. Takes me back to the days when River Phoenix and baby harp seals adorned my wall and roller blading down at the half-pipe was about to hit the big time. Plus, with the array of 'broke back' (bit weird) shirts owned by the 3 males in our household, it's time I got my team of lumberjacks a forewoman.

I need a fashion injection. There is a gapping hole in the crotch of my trusty American Eagle jeans (not conducive to a warm winter) and the Joules striped long sleeve, my comfort armour, has got to be reduced to a once weekly outing. 

Quite what ensemble the shirt dress works with, I am most unsure but I am keen to clamber out of my middle aged, banana crusted, mumsy fashion rut and risk a faux pas or 3 along the way. Can't be worse than the denim tank top of 2003.

Monday, 5 October 2015

Just another manic Monday

Today I:

Vouched I would eat healthily and drink no wine until Thursday evening, a rare social engagement.

Went to the doctors twice. Once for a scabby face appointment and once to retrieve an orange plastic car that, when pressed (and sporadically it seems), makes noises like Pat Butcher having a fit  and the doctor and his subsequent patients found so utterly painful that the receptionist called to ask I collect it expeditiously.

Visited the pharmacy 4 times, awaiting the promised 'imminent' arrival of scabby face ointment. It arrived at 6.10pm, maaaaaaany minutes past feeding time at the zoo. The scene in the pharmacy was apocalyptic, toddler 'high fiving ' all the Calpol, Rennies and Vagisil shouting 'medicine mummy me need MEDICINE' whilst the infant rolled around on the vinyl floor gurning with his scabby face and pulling a tower of fluorescent hair rollers onto a glass cabinet of Old Spice and CK One (flash back).

Spent 40 minutes trying to retrieve a 2 inch figurine of Penny the female fire fighter from Pontypandy whom was desposited behind the radiator. The Windows meet the radiator with centimetres (2) to spare, the radiator hits the skirting at a terribly irritating angle and despite the delicate use of 3 different types of coat hanger, a cosmetic mirror, 2 tea towels, bundles of elbow grease, shredding a small mountain of crusty paint and quite a considerable amount of groaning - she's still there waiting to melt when the winters radiator activity escalates.

Walked a pasty 2.5 year old 1/2 a mile down the road in just a vest, in rain and 10 degrees C because 'I no want jumper, just ELEPHANT VEST' - a priceless look. The distaining glares were painful. The eventual compromise was a formidable jumper under vest combo that again triggered pitiful gazes from passers by.

With my bare hands, picked up a soggy stool in the bath mistaking it for a sponge... it was more of a wring (as one does to empty a sponge) than a gentle scoop, not pretty, not pretty at all.

Cracked open the Doritos, Galaxy and Malbec. After all we all made it to the end of the day relatively unscathed and I got 3 whole questions correct in University Challenge, well done me.