Saturday, 9 December 2017
This is not a dress rehearsal
I used to say this really quite often to myself and friends worrying disproportionately about all manner of daily irks and strifes. We can allow ‘worry’ to manifest and eat away at us when all to often there is little that standing back and reliving episodes can actually DO. It’s the doing that makes things happen, otherwise we just need to let-go and accept. Too much worry is just a toxic waste.
At different stages of our lives, the primary source of worry shifts and becomes blindingly and unequivocally THE most important thing in the world EVER. And so here I am again at a junction in my ‘life script’ where for weeks I have been worrying and brooding over the responsibility of raising 3 humans. I have been beating myself up for not making enough time for the kids and I feel it’s my fault. We adore having children (hence 3 in less than 4 years). We then chose to take on a building project that - to-date - has taken 9 months. The 2 combined has made for quite an overwhelming juggle. Our intentions (and the end result not doubt) are for a great home for us all to create memories and flourish as a family unit but the immediate reality is that (because we didn’t/couldn’t budget for extra help or to speed the project up) I am doing a lot of things badly - the heart of this - being a good mum. I am ashamed to say it was when one of them told me ‘you never listen’ on top of the usual ‘we want daaaaaaddy’ that it struck a cord I couldn’t just palm off. I opened the unread tabs that have been sitting in my internet browser and decided to DO something. That’s when the frenetic swarm of social media really comes into its own. You can tap into all manner of resources from under the duvet at 3 in the morning.
So, I am going to pull my head out of the sand and address my worry because it isn’t one I can brush under the carpet (excuse the pun) until the undetermined completion on our house ‘oh it’s just a short phase’ ‘things will get easier when...’. I am going to really consciously make more time for the children at an individual level. One new ‘thing’ I have imposed is this little nugget I found trawling cyber space.. the theory is to take each childs day of the month they were born (11,28,1) and make that THEIR own special day every month. They can stay up an extra 20 minutes to do whatever they want that doesn’t involve TV/computer and at the end (oh the fromage) we take the time to say why we appreciate one another. The theory is very sweet, we will see how the reality plays out. But the crux of it is that I have finally decided to actually DO something rather than fester in guilt and wait until there is ‘more time’ because this is LIFE it is NOT A DRESS REHERSAL.